dots

Every now and then when my eyes are tired from being open all day, I look down at my laptop and in between the keys, there are little black dots. I'm watching an optical illusion perform: every time I focus on a dot it disappears.

Every now and then, when I'm tired, I try to focus on my reasons for being thankful, the reasons why I should be happy. Sometimes it's like an optical illusion and I can't focus on anything in particular, the reasons escape me. But when I wake up in the morning, and the sun is rising, and I see the world outside my window, the reasons flood back. They're not solid things that I can touch or see with my hazel eyes, but they do exist. Quite a lot of them exist.



p.s. I went salsa dancing

5:54 A.M

Guess where I was at 5:54 this morning? hint: the fire alarm was going off.

Yup, not even the first real day of college yet and I'm out in my PJs with a bunch of other crusty eyed freshmen. We were all hoping really hard against a real fire, I mean, my stuff was moved in yesterday, a lot of it is new, and it's located on the thirteenth floor.
Good news: I met a few more girls on the way down those flights of stairs.

thunderstorm warnings

So quickly the gray faded in to replace the innocent blue of the sky today. Do you ever feel thankful for the rain? It's an excuse for staying inside and reading or thinking or daydreaming on the couch. During camp it confines us all, campers and counselors, to the interior of the JCC, and then there are rain day boundaries: less places to go and for campers to run off to.

Not to mention, rain makes the air smell chilled, like the slight cold that lingers on the top of your glass of water when the ice cubes have just finished melting.

tree 3

Like an angry apple tree, I throw my apples if you get to close to me.
If I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for? If I look to my right.
or If I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart locked up, locked up so tight?

you grabbed my wrist
and pulled me into a hug

you made my day

spoken

In English class a little while ago, Mr. Tarmey asked us all why we procrastinate. Of course we all came back with the obvious reasons: too much extra-curriculars (which led to the putting after school activities as priority discussion), too much homework from all the teachers combined, and laziness and procrastination for the few who admitted to it. Well, today I called a friend and voiced a thought that had been bothering me every now and then since that class. Though some of those other reasons apply to me without a doubt, one of the biggest reasons that I personally wait and put off work, especially critiques and other large papers, is because it gives me an excuse. When I wait until the last minute, even though it is my fault, there is a solid reason why I got the grade that I did. I am afraid. Fearful that if I put significant amounts of time and effort into research that brings me into the murky, pithy depths of a topic, giving all of my time and effort into a product that I should be proud of, that the grade will not be satisfactory simply because my best wasn't good enough.

So there's my fear, and now that it's spoken, maybe I can overcome it- realizing that my best can get better with time.